"Sometimes you need to be knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever were."

I am now exactly 2 weeks post-operation to remove my gallbladder and giving Frankenstein a run for his money, as I now have 6 incision scars between my neck & waist.

“There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.”

(click to enlarge)

A few weeks ago, I was out with my Dad at his business meetings and two people who I had never met before came up to me, introduced themselves & complimented me on my blog. It is such a surreal feeling when you walk into a room where someone knows almost everything about you but you don't know anything, other than their name, about them.

 I am so blessed to have the readers that I do. I always thought celebrities sounded so artificial saying "I have the best fans in the world!" but on a much smaller scale, I truly understand because I have the best READERS in the world!

The emails, Facebook & Twitter messages I’ve gotten, along with face to face conversations I've had in regards to what I have written on here astound me.

The more people that I meet who know my story, the more I hear amazing compliments that I never expected.

Most people enjoy compliments such as "you’re beautiful" or "I love your ___"

I fondly remember the best two compliments I've received in the last few years.

"I had NO idea you were sick;"

often accompanied by a complete look of shock on their face.

Or;

"I don't understand how you stay so happy;"

along with the many other variations of that phrase.

I never fully understood what it was about my story that made people mention their new found appreciation of their own lives. Nor did I comprehended their desire to send me the beautifully crafted notes that they so gracefully took the time to write because I never felt like I had done anything different than another person would do if they were in my shoes.

That's when I realized I had been missing out on the most important thing in life.

Celebrating.

I never went to my high school graduation, or celebrated getting my license, or went to my college graduation. I never threw a big birthday party either.

Realizing that I haven't been celebrating all the milestones I've accomplished to date de-values all the strength it took to go through everything so far.

The most important thing I've learned throughout the disease is to appreciate the little things in your day that make you smile because the next day can put you through another stressful, trying, painful, hopelessly dark situation.

While these may seem like odd things for someone to celebrate, this is my list of what I am most proud of. So here is a virtual CHEERS to myself for getting through a Graves Disease diagnosis, a heart condition diagnosis, open repair hernia surgery, a total thyroidectomy, a gallbladder removal, literally hundreds of needles & a horrific car accident… all in just under 2 years.

After several hospital trips monthly, my family & I all counted our blessings in February of 2012 that I had made it a full 365 days without going back after my thyroid removal.
(Minus new tests & specialist visits!)

I am on day 14 of re-starting that countdown.

Unfortunately the excitement that the countdown holds for me already has a big black cloud surrounding it.

The hardest decision most people my age have to make is what bar to visit on the weekend. While I am proud of what I've accomplished so far, I am terrified of my next big decision.

In 10 months I will be eligible to get my eye decompression surgery. While I complain a lot about the appearance of my eyes in my blog, getting the surgery is for more than just beauty. I sleep with ‘Eye Vaseline’ in my eyes nightly because one of them is so bulgy that it doesn’t even close all the way anymore and gets dried out easily. This isn't a simple surgery, as it takes many hours to complete. It is an uncommon and highly specialized operation that only two Doctors in Edmonton are capable of completing and the risks are real. The decision to free myself of the daily inexplicable pain is being weighed down by the unimaginable;

A list of the risks of the surgery:

- Bruising/Infection

-Scars/Swelling

-Asymmetry of eye position

-New on-set of double vision (that may be permanent)

-Numbness in cheeks/lips

-Blood clots

-Airway problems

-Additional surgery in future

-Leaking of fluid in the brain

-Brain hemorrhage  

The principle I cherish most in life is that time heals all wounds.

Not only does it cure the physical scars, the beauty of it is that even if you don’t know the answer to the question that is causing you to emotionally hurt today, it will come to you eventually. Perhaps it will be through a dream, encouraging words from a friend or even an epiphany of your own.

Put yourself in a state of mind where you say to yourself, “Here is an opportunity for you to celebrate like never before, my own power and my own ability to get myself to do whatever is necessary.”
 

I would like to end this is a new, unique way. At the bottom of each blog I post, there is an option to leave a message. You can choose to identify yourself or leave a comment completely anonymous.

You are invited to join me in my virtual celebration by adding on to my list of
“Things I’ve done that I wish I had Celebrated.”

Whether it was BIG or small, a promotion at work, finishing something you have been working on for years or just getting through a difficult time in your life; POST IT!



I look forward to hearing from you and again 'thanks' for reading/sharing my blog!

-Rayanne

“Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won’t last forever. If things are going bad, don’t worry, it can’t last forever either.”

Rayanne’s 10 Commandments when dealing with an illness;


1. Thou shall welcome & accept all new changes in life, whether or not they were expected.

2. Thou shall understand that anything worth having does not come easy.

3. Thou shall be braver and stronger after each needle.

4. Thou shall accept that it's ok to cry, and that tears do not represent weakness.

5. Thou shall share wisdom gained through your experiences with others.

6. Thou shall remember to tell loved ones how much they mean to you regularly.

7. Thou shall wear scars proudly as a reminder of how strong you are.

8. Thou shall remember that if you’re in pain, it doesn't give you the right to be a pain to others. (As the great Maya Angelou once said!)

9. Thou shall show compassion to strangers, for you never know what they're battling.

10. Thou shall understand everything will be ok in the end, & if it’s not- then it isn't the end.


My favorite, and little known 11th commandment, is as follows;


"Thou shall not blog on a day when you are feeling down."


I am about to break that rule today.


Just as much as I write for other peoples reading pleasure, I post blog entries to remind myself of the up's & down's of my days. I would never want to sugar coat this disease for anyone reading for informational purposes.


As I write this, I am 5 hours into sitting on an uncomfortable paper covered hospital bed in the Misercordia Hospital waiting to speak with the anesthesiologist who will put me to sleep before my surgery in 4 days.
                                                         My writing headquarters

After a brief discussion, she tells me that my usual 'day surgery' to remove my gallbladder is being extended to an overnight stay due to the risky nature of putting someone with a heart problem under anesthetic. There was also worry about making sure that I don't get sick after the procedure (as I have been every other surgery) because of the pressure it would put on my already bulgy Graves eyes.


Staying positive is so hard some days.

One of those days was yesterday. If you have ever used our governments EI System (unemployment pay due to illness or job loss) you know two things; they treat you like garbage & they pay you the bare minimum.


One of my worst memories through dealing with these illnesses was sitting at Service Canada the other day in a dark, crowded, dirty room with homeless people on one side of me & immigrants who spoke loudly in other languages on the other side of me.


It is no secret that many people misuse & abuse the payment system and all of the government workers I've spoken to through this process have treated me as a worthless person who lives off the system. I have also had to fight many times for the little pay that they give me.


I sat with tears streaming down my face & thought; How did my life get to this?


Where did I go wrong?


It is one of the hardest things in the world to not blame yourself when things don't end up how you wanted them to be. Never did I expect this to be my life or where I was going to end up when they made me create my 'five year plan' in high school.


The days are becoming more frequent where I stay home due to eye swelling and the embarrassment that comes with it.


Worrying about the surgeries with the unknown outcome is incredibly stressful. Not knowing about the certainty of my future and what I am going to do between the next 2 surgeries for work keeps me up at night.


I have crying spells a little more often than I would like to admit. The discomfort/pain is making me feel a little less sane each day. I am mentally, physically & emotionally drained.

If this is the big guy upstairs way of making me ‘tough as nails’ – its working!


But alas; the light at the end of the tunnel.


In a world where you can either wither away by drowning in your sorrows or surround yourself with positive things; I choose to do just that. As I have mentioned before, life tends to throw curveballs and make things difficult so that we can truly appreciate all the good when it comes our way.


So, to honor the 6th Commandment; Thou shall remember to tell loved ones how much they mean to you regularly

Thank you to my Dad, Mom & Sister for lending a listening ear when I needed to vent or asked for advice. Thanks for the endless flow of support and always letting me know that things will be ok. I have felt lonely and helpless many times but was always quickly reminded that I will receive the best treatment possible – no matter the cost.


You have been my saviors, my best friend and my family.


I love you!

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense."


-Rayanne